I was holding my rosary beads tonight. I am praying earnestly. I am asking for God’s guidance and deliverance. I am imploring for the miracle from Saint Therese because I feel very weak, very depressed and most of all I feel unloved by the only man I have decided and unexpectedly fallen in love with. 

My write-ups might be depressing to some but I hope to channel all my pain through writing. Without my family, my closest friends and wordpress, I dunno if I can still smile genuinely.

It’s easy for some to say that I am making more drama than is neccessary. For how real could my feelings be when the person I love is an image perfected by my mind and whose voice I have not heard? 

It’s easy for some to judge that what I’m going through is a kick in my pride. For how can I love the man when I have not held his hand, touched his face, kissed his lips or hugged him? I have not even shared real laughters and giggles with him.

And maybe, I will pass this lifetime without having to tell him in person that I really really cared for him. That I love him. 

And so I cried and I can’t help the tears from falling endlessly. Alongside is the tightening of my chest from too much emotions I have bottled for almost 3 weeks. 

My stellar iris… i missed you so badly. I’m not childish. I’m just jealous and I can’t help it. I don’t want to lose you and on the process of thinking and worrying too much, I lost you permanently. 

I thought you will ask me why and we’ll work out our differences. But you left without second thoughts and you never looked back. And here I was, a fool who ate my words, who begged for your attention and love and who is crying at the moment because I can’t have you back.

I loved you not because you are tall, not because you looked good, not because you have a good job or because you speak very good english, I loved you because I love you. 

I have loved you since July 2016. That boyish 25 year old who nonchalantly popped up at my messenger and told me who he was. I have been very amused by the bravado of that young man. I remembered looking forward to his messages and his teasings.

I remembered discovering that he was in a relationship that time and is about to get married. I reprimanded him. But he was not aware that he broke my heart during that time already.

Then we became very good friends. I ignore his teasings. I knew he is not serious about courting me. How will he be, he is only 25 years old.

Then come February 12, 2017 at 1:47 am, the date and time I told him that yes, I am ready to commit my heart, my mind and my being to him wholeheartedly. It waa the happiest moment of my life. Yes, one of the happiest and maybe I will never ever forget that hour. 

Remembering it now, pains me and at the same time it makes me very happy. At least, during that time, he loved and cared for me truly. I feel it and I am very grateful because he had cherished me, made me feel that I belong to him and him to me and most of all, I am connected with him intangibly. 

Franz, whatever we have, those happy moments, please do not forget them. I knew you love another girl now and I have to stop my stupidity and lunacy otherwise I will destroy myself and ruin your good relationship with your special someone. 

I pray earnestly. God will hear my prayers and He saw my tears. He will have mercy. One day, I will remember you only with love and fondness. All the pains will be but a faded memory.

Have a safe journey stellar iris. 

For now, let me say I love you.