Wandering Sunflower 🌻

…wandering curiously around the world


March 2017


old age.jpg

Nais kong maging hangin.

Hanging dalisay, mabini at mararamdaman mo sa lahat ng dako.

Hanging tahimik na humahaplos sa iyong buhok

at masuyong binabakas ang tabas ng iyong mukha.

Kapag akoý naging hangin, buong ingat akong papasok sa siwang ng iyong puso

pagdidikitin ko ang iyong pagkabasag,

bubuoin ko ang iyong pagkadurog

magpapatangay ako sa alon

makikiusap ako sa langit

na sana kahit minsan akoý maging usok

para makita at maamoy mo ang aking paglalambing


Hindi ko mamanipula ang hangin;

Hindi ako kaaya-aya o tuluy-tuloy.

Ako na ginawang laman at buto ng Amang may Likha, tumangis upang muling likhain ang sarili ko.

para kahit nasaan ka, akoý tahimik na gumagabay sa iyo

Hindi na mahalaga kung gaano ko ito ka gusto

Hindi na makabuluhan kung gaano kong pinangarap at pinahalagahan na maging tayo

Kumukubli sa mga agos ng luha ko ang sutil kong laman na ayaw magparaya

Na binawalang magsalita ang aking dila

Dahil nasabi ko na ang dapat kong sabihin

Narinig mo na ang dapat mong marinig.


Sana ako ay naging hangin

upang malaya kong maiparamdam ang aking damdamin

Sana masaksihan mo ang kapanganakan nito

Ang gawang hinulma sa salita ng pag-ibig.

Alam ko, naiintindihan kong dapat na kitang palayain

Siguro kong may isang bagay na mali sa akin,

Hindi ang pagiging isip bata ko

Mali lang talaga ang magmahal nang labis

Na kahit ako ay di maarok ang lalim o ang maapoy nitong anyo.


Ikaw at ako

ay parang palaisipan na may kalahati ng mga pirasong nawawala,

na itinapon sa kung saang dako at ngayon

ako na lang ang nagpasyang maghanap sa mga labi.

Maaring ang piraso mo ay naglalakbay sa himpapawid

at kahit na sa pamamagitan ng ilang mga himala ang pirasong iyon ay aking makita

Ang pagmamahal na dating toto at dalisay ay wala na.


Like I’m Gonna Lose You

I found myself dreaming
In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows

We were walking on moonlight
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared
And then I was all alone

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we’re not promised tomorrow

So I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you
And I’m gonna hold you like I’m saying goodbye
Wherever we’re standing
I won’t take you for granted
‘Cause we’ll never know when, when we’ll run out of time

So I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I’ll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
I’ll make the most of the minutes
And love with no regrets

Let’s take our time to say what we want
Here’s what we got before it’s all gone
‘Cause no, we’re not promised tomorrow

So I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna hold you like I’m saying goodbye
Wherever we’re standing
I won’t take you for granted
‘Cause we’ll never know when, when we’ll run out of time

So I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you

I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna hold you like I’m saying goodbye
Wherever we’re standing
I won’t take you for granted
‘Cause we’ll never know when, when we’ll run out of time

So I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you

Read more: Meghan Trainor – Like I’m Gonna Lose You Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Tell me where it hurts

I was holding my rosary beads tonight. I am praying earnestly. I am asking for God’s guidance and deliverance. I am imploring for the miracle from Saint Therese because I feel very weak, very depressed and most of all I feel unloved by the only man I have decided and unexpectedly fallen in love with. 

My write-ups might be depressing to some but I hope to channel all my pain through writing. Without my family, my closest friends and wordpress, I dunno if I can still smile genuinely.

It’s easy for some to say that I am making more drama than is neccessary. For how real could my feelings be when the person I love is an image perfected by my mind and whose voice I have not heard? 

It’s easy for some to judge that what I’m going through is a kick in my pride. For how can I love the man when I have not held his hand, touched his face, kissed his lips or hugged him? I have not even shared real laughters and giggles with him.

And maybe, I will pass this lifetime without having to tell him in person that I really really cared for him. That I love him. 

And so I cried and I can’t help the tears from falling endlessly. Alongside is the tightening of my chest from too much emotions I have bottled for almost 3 weeks. 

My stellar iris… i missed you so badly. I’m not childish. I’m just jealous and I can’t help it. I don’t want to lose you and on the process of thinking and worrying too much, I lost you permanently. 

I thought you will ask me why and we’ll work out our differences. But you left without second thoughts and you never looked back. And here I was, a fool who ate my words, who begged for your attention and love and who is crying at the moment because I can’t have you back.

I loved you not because you are tall, not because you looked good, not because you have a good job or because you speak very good english, I loved you because I love you. 

I have loved you since July 2016. That boyish 25 year old who nonchalantly popped up at my messenger and told me who he was. I have been very amused by the bravado of that young man. I remembered looking forward to his messages and his teasings.

I remembered discovering that he was in a relationship that time and is about to get married. I reprimanded him. But he was not aware that he broke my heart during that time already.

Then we became very good friends. I ignore his teasings. I knew he is not serious about courting me. How will he be, he is only 25 years old.

Then come February 12, 2017 at 1:47 am, the date and time I told him that yes, I am ready to commit my heart, my mind and my being to him wholeheartedly. It waa the happiest moment of my life. Yes, one of the happiest and maybe I will never ever forget that hour. 

Remembering it now, pains me and at the same time it makes me very happy. At least, during that time, he loved and cared for me truly. I feel it and I am very grateful because he had cherished me, made me feel that I belong to him and him to me and most of all, I am connected with him intangibly. 

Franz, whatever we have, those happy moments, please do not forget them. I knew you love another girl now and I have to stop my stupidity and lunacy otherwise I will destroy myself and ruin your good relationship with your special someone. 

I pray earnestly. God will hear my prayers and He saw my tears. He will have mercy. One day, I will remember you only with love and fondness. All the pains will be but a faded memory.

Have a safe journey stellar iris. 

For now, let me say I love you. 

In God’s Good Time


I love to love you

I yearn to be with you

If only I can show you

How much I care

Or demonstrate my passion

by my touch and stare

I will do it willingly


I want to convey my love

in sincerest deeds

I want to tell you how much you matter

by spending my time with you

every day until we’re 60 in November.

But again today

you spoke the rudest words

and told me you care

for someone else

how painful it is

it cuts like a knife

I am not making a drama

for what good will it do to me?

since you don’t care

I am expressing myself

In the easiest way

my ache isn’t self-inflicted

I naturally bled because of you

and I know this is destructive

but I don’t know what to do

for some, it’s meaningless,

an online romance,

a cyber folly

because we never really spend time together

and they say it’s only my ego

since you challenged my Hera’s pride


and maybe not

I loved you yesterday

I am loving you today

what of tomorrow

will I love you more?

come what may…


<a href=””>Meaningless</a&gt;


In ordinary mornings like this

I can’t help but scribble my thoughts

and the first happy memory that inspires me

is my beloved stellar iris

though we broke up a long time ago

my poems were made because of him…

he brings out the best in me

and the worst in me

how I missed him. 

<a href=””>Ordinary</a&gt;

For my stellar iris

<a href=””>Ordinary</a&gt;

To my one and only handsome

I miss you.

I need you.

I love you.

🍓my strawberry

🌕my midnight sun

🚢my stellar iris

👦my handsome

🌻sunflower girl misses you terribly.

I pray for your happiness and safety.

Don’t think badly of my actions. I am not commanding you. I am asking a favor. 

I have no right. Yes. And I don not hope to have one because you know what, it will be the other way around. You will be the one commanding me and I fear for that moment.

I knew I will only destroy myself if I continue loving you. And I am thankful for being the man that you are, firm and steadfast, otherwise, I am already broken as a whole. When we part ways, my heart was injured but maybe if I insisted more, I will be a living wreckage and eventually you will left too. 

It was a matter of time. And still, it hurts.

How can you have power over me when you were so distant? I fear your voice even if I cannot hear it. You held something indescribable. Something intangible. And everytime we connect, I am overwhelmed… 😓

It’s like a rain after the drought.

The Last Goodbye

FOR YOU: I will forget you. I promise. Goodbye Stellar Iris. 


Should I give you a piece of my heart?

Or a fragment of my thoughts?

Can you hear my heartbeat?

Can you read my recollections?

Must you see through

my ignorance and un-care

A pretense to cover up

My longing and despair.

How every day

I muster my courage

And disregard my pride

How every hour

I overpass my ego

And recited my excuses.

How every minute

you dismiss my order

and jumbled my thoughts.

How every second

you shame my madness

with happy memories.

What to do?

I can’t forget you.

I tried all distractions

But all failed

And bid adieu.


How are you?

Still resisting my echo?

For now,

I’ll gladly break my heart

Because I can’t disremember you.

I don’t really care

What others will tell.

The shame

The foolish game

Or the brokenhearted’s fame.

I love to love you.

Because every midnight

When you visit my calm

My artistry becomes restless

My eyes will shimmer in wonder

My lips will part in hunger

My chest will rise and fall like its November

My hands will paint your face

My fingers will gently trace

Your eyes, nose, and lips.

My feet will be winged

As I lovingly guess

your current location.

I will close my eyes

And then I will smile.

There you are.

Inside my heart.

How can I unlove you?

When everyday

I fall in love with you






Until who knows when

Will there never be an end?

post script:

Just now you hurt me

you told me to move on and grow up

I am moving on but your memories haunted me

I am asking for your help

Is what I’m begging too much

I don’t want you back

deliverance is what I asked.

<a href=””>Ordinary</a&gt;

Continue reading “The Last Goodbye”

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